Prayers for my children...

As parents we pray. Even if you're not a "praying person" I assure you that at some point in your child's life you will pray. It begins the moment one discovers the new life, actually long before that in my case, and it hasn't stopped since. And while I pray many typical, all-parents-pray-that kinds of things like good health, protection, blah, blah, blah ...I also pray some slightly-odd, why-would-you-pray-that sort of prayers as well. Allow me to share...

1. When my children make bad choices (because they will) I PRAY they get caught...AND punished. (gasp!) I know what you're thinking. "What a terrible thing to pray!" But before you brand me as "Worst Mother Ever" let me explain. I'm not praying for my children to end up in jail. I pray they get caught early on in their poor choices. A very wise momma once told me she prayed that her children would always get caught when they were in a bad situation. At first I thought this odd and then I saw what wonderful Christian ladies she had raised and I made this my prayer. I pray they get caught and punished stealing candy off the teacher's desk so they never commit grand-theft-auto. When they're young I want them to learn well that every choice has consequences, both positive and negative. Their mistakes and poor choices now have very low-stake consequences. So I pray they get caught...and LEARN from their mistakes so that later in life they will have the wisdom to choose what is right.

2. I pray my children will experience the disappointment/reality of not getting everything they want. I know, I know, what a mean mommy! But in truth, this is the hardest thing to do. Particularly in the U.S. where we live lives of abundance - this is HARD. I could easily give in and buy the kids some t-tiny toy in the "dollar spot" each and every time I go to Target. I mean, they cost a whopping $1 and I spend more than that coffee! It's not like a $1 toy is going to break the bank...but it does break their capacity to be GRATEFUL. I've noticed a direct correlation between the amount of stuff that my kids own and the amount of gratitude they show. It's sad. I mean, really, really, makes-me-want-to-send-them-to-a-third-world-country-for-a-day sad. And so I deliberately tell them no. (And, subsequently I have to tell myself NO!) "Oh I love this sweater! But I don't need it." Truly, the best way for me to teach my children gratitude is to model it. If I drink a caramel apple spice from Starbucks (Mmmm!) every day I will hardly enjoy it as much as if it were a rare treat. The surest way to have an unhappy child is to give them everything they want. So I say NO. To them. To me. To ungrateful attitudes that make me want to pull my hair out. And I pray it works.

3. I pray my children live recklessly. AHHHH! What did she say?! Yes, I want them to live life on the edge. Passionate. Fearless. Over-the-top-RECKLESS-for-Christ. There it is. If you say that someone is reckless, you mean that they act in a way which shows that they do not care about danger. And let me tell you friends, following Christ's calling is dangerous. It is dangerous to pursue love in a world full of criticism. It is downright reckless to seek mercy and justice for those that are oppressed. It takes everything to choose a gentle answer when there are so many other things that could be said. I pray my children will live recklessly and courageously for Christ. I want them to lean into their calling. No one changed the world by playing it safe.

4. I pray they believe in the impossible. It can't happen. It won't be done...so why should you try. I detest pessimism. I abhor apathetic attitudes. I want them to believe. I want them to try. AND then I want them to prove the nay-sayers wrong. I pray they approach life ready to take on a challenge! Now, let me divulge to you that this is not how my son is wired. He is not naturally courageous. He is not the first to jump into a challenge. When I sit him in my lap before bedtime he often reveals to me feelings of inadequacy and fear. He is three y'all. Three little years old and he has many big worries. It is just his nature. But I remind him that our God is bigger than his fears. I know he can face giants but I know that God has equipped me, as his mother, to instill that in him. God sees so much us that is not evident from a worldly perspective. Gideon was cowering in a wine press when God called on him as a "valiant warrior of God." Now we would never see this scrawny man hiding from the Midianites as a "valiant warrior" but God saw him for what he could be and not for he was. I pray my children believe in the impossible. But first, I pray God helps me to believe in them. I pray he works in my heart to see their potential and their calling. And then works through me to nurture it, until it is a gift worthy for use in His kingdom.

I pray these things and many more. I pray for my children...will you join me?

Peace to you,
C

Yes is a four letter word...

Y.E.S. Such a short word. So easy to say. Too easy to say. In fact, I can trace most of my exhausted, over-committed, spread-too-thin moments the last few years back to this little word.

That is why I’m declaring “yes” to be the new four letter word I have removed from my vocabulary. I grudgingly admitted in my last post my predisposition to say “yes” to any opportunity that came my way. I said “yes” with good intentions and, like many of you, I never knew how quickly my commitments would add up. I found myself spinning seven plates at once. A difficult balancing act I managed to keep up for far too long. I used to say I “wore lots of hats” - teacher, actor, writer, photographer, essential oil-enthusiast, who volunteered on every committee and then some…and then something happened. Around the same time we decided to move our family to rural Appalachia it dawned on me. Only a damn fool walks around wearing twenty hats at once. My life needed a drastic overhaul. It was simplicity I craved but had no earthly idea HOW to achieve it, or perhaps more importantly, how to maintain it. I had tried numerous times to tweak my schedule. Drop a few commitments, give myself more time for other things, but it never stuck! What was I doing wrong?! In a summer filled with the chaos of a move I had no time to give to the commitments I left behind and all the time to let these thoughts marinate. In the midst of boxes, packing tape, and bubble wrap (which can keep children busy for hours – fyi) I found some answers that had alluded me for so long.

1.       I needed to ask myself “Why?” Instead of “Why not?” What was my motivation behind my choices and commitments? Was it simply to avoid hurting feelings? If so, that is hardly motivation. By examining what motivated each choice I was making I was better able to see which ones were good opportunities – but meant for someone else.  

2.       Was it serving God’s purpose for my life? If the answer wasn’t “yes” then my answer should be “NO!” Always. Period. If I wasn’t serving God’s purpose by serving on such and such committee or making 100 cookies for the bake sale then it was precious time I needed to give elsewhere. If I wasn’t called to fulfill this role then I simply shouldn’t. In fact, by over-extending myself I was robbing others of role they may have been made to fulfill.  

3.       It wasn’t about just doing less. It was about doing BETTER with the less. With too many commitments I was only able to give 10% of my time/energy to each – which hardly makes it worth doing. I found this wonderful quote from Louie Giglio, “Whenever you say yes to something, there is less of you for something else. Make sure your yes is worth the less.” Seriously. Is there anything more true?

So when you ask me to do something and I say, “no.” Don’t feel bad. Most people hear that from me now. And if I happen to say “Yes” you should feel especially grateful because I don’t say it often. Know that what I give my time to matters to me. Know that I will not put time and energy into something that does not have a divine purpose in my life. And most importantly, know that you can do the same.

It’s just a busy “season” I used to say. But there’s a thing about seasons - they pass – and my life always seemed to stay in the fast lane. “When school gets out, when we’re finished potty training, when the dance recital wraps up, or my hubby gets the next promotion”…then “life will be easier, we won’t be as rushed, we’ll have more family time…(fill in your own statement.)” How many times have you thought those things? How many times have you believed it?

The truth is that many of us have bought into a lie. A lie based around the “American Dream” that doing more/having more/providing better is what makes life easier and worthwhile. When in reality it’s not.

Fulfillment is not found in climbing the corporate ladder or decorating a Pinterest worthy home. If that’s a piece of satisfying the calling God has for your life then it could be a part of it. But in the hustle and bustle of the day to day can you hear God’s small voice? In the chaos of kiddos spilling cheerios on the floor you’ve swept eleven billion times this week, can you feel your calling? Are you living it out? Or are you waiting for life to slow down to enjoy it more?

Just think on that for a moment.

Isn’t it time to simplify our busy lives?  Perhaps we all need to say “yes” less and enjoy living more.

I am now. And I promise you – saying “no” is not nearly as difficult as I thought it would. N.O. Such a short word. And it feels so good to say.  

How I left everything and found it all.

Our town could be described in one word: perfect. It was as picturesque as any iconic Norman Rockwell painting. Main Street, U.S.A. in Disney World didn’t hold a candle to it because this place was the real thing – not some fabricated Main Street you have to fly to Florida and sell a kidney to see. To top it off we lived in the most beautiful neighborhood in the area– in my humble opinion. It was a lovely place, complete with custom homes, nature trails, a swimming pool, river frontage, and more children than I’ve EVER seen in one neighborhood before (I’m quite certain this is a secret requirement to live there!) Our church was a beacon to the community, well run, united in purpose, and boasted worship leaders that were frequently heard on Christian radio. The schools were ranked top in the country and the county itself was within the top 15^th wealthiest zip codes in the U.S. It was a place people flocked to – as evident by its soaring real estate prices. Supply and demand, people. All in all, it seemed to be a place where everyone was happy to be and in no hurry to leave.

Everything should have been perfect. I should have been happy there. I had everything I could possibly have wanted or needed. And yet IT was there. This elephant in the room. It was riding with me in my brand spankin’ new minivan through the carpool line. It followed me to Bible study. I could feel it’s presence at every girls’ night, Suzuki violin lesson, homeschool co-op meeting - do I sound like a “Stepford wife” yet? IT was always there. This inexplicable, yet constant, nagging in my heart that I wasn’t where God wanted my family to be, to serve, to live for Him.

What is it, Lord? Don’t you see how perfect this place is?! It’s wrong for me to be unhappy here. Surely, something must be wrong with ME…because this place is so idyllic to be unhappy here must be a sin. But that pervasive feeling only grew and I had no clue why. Why did I pine away for a sense belonging that seemed to allude me? I chalked it all up to being new to the area. Eventually it will feel like home, we told ourselves. Perhaps if I become more involved, serve at church, get the kids plugged into activities, make friends…perhaps then it will feel like home.

And that is how it happened. I became the “yes” girl. You know the one. Ask for a volunteer and my hand would shoot up before I even knew what I was volunteering for half the time. Before too long I was over-committed and over-whelmed. Days passed in a flurry of activity and at the end of the day I could hardly remember a thing I’d done. My most precious moments were the unplanned moments with my children, of which there were precious few. There were days where the importance of projects overwhelmed the important people in my life. And all for the sake of putting down roots and making a “home.”

So many wonderful opportunities came my way and I seized each one wholeheartedly. Because each was good, each was a blessing, each was another chance to connect to this place and to the people who called it home. And somewhere in the sea of opportunities I started to sink. I’m not sure when it happened but I do know why. In my desire to connect and serve others I forgot to serve God’s calling for my life. This past April, I had agreed to meet with the magazine editor for Cool Springs Living, a small publication that catered to upscale neighborhoods in the Brentwood/Cool Springs area. They had asked me to take the new photographer position. I knew what an honor that was; I knew what it could do to my photography business. I also knew the last thing I had was time. I agreed to meet as a courtesy that day. I had decided I had no choice but to turn down this offer. And so after dropping the kids off at Mother’s Day Out, scurrying to Bible study, and leaving early to be on time for our meeting at Starbucks, I arrived, albeit a bit frazzled, but on time nonetheless. I sat in my car before I got out, gripping the steering wheel, and was filled with a sudden dread. Absolute dread. I felt nauseous at the prospect of telling anyone “no” and I hated myself for knowing I was going to say “yes” despite my best efforts. Let me just tell you how depressing it is to go to a meeting with the intentions of saying one thing and to hear yourself saying another. I was in self-inflicted misery. I wanted to slap myself…which would be quite difficult to accomplish effectively. Needless to say, I said “yes” that day – which I instantly regretted.

That last “yes” flipped a switch in my mind.  On my way to my first and last assignment with that magazine I became acutely aware of the fact that each time I said ‘yes’ to something there was less of me for the things that I truly cared about. This would not do. I knew my situation, my commitments, my EVERYTHING needed a major overhaul – but I didn’t see how it was possible. After all I was only trying to put down roots and help my family feel more “at home.” To pull the plug on my many projects now seemed like it was all in vain. Could God really be calling me to drop it all!?    

In May, Bryan and I took the family for long weekend in the mountains. It would be a short trip to attend the wedding of one of Bryan’s childhood friends. Unknowingly, this quick trip became the catalyst for what would become a summer full of changes for our family.

Something happens when I come HOME. An invisible weight lifts from my soul. The odd thing is – it is a weight I am completely unaware of until the moment it is gone. I breathe easier. Like in my acting days when I was squeezed into a corset for the role of Polly Peachum in “The Beggar’s Opera.” After four hours of running around and singing in a corset I didn’t realize how ridiculously uncomfortable I was until the moment it was taken off. That’s how I feel when I’m in my mountains. The restricting laces of the world loosen and I find myself lost in nature, savoring sweet family time, and breathing in moments with my children.

That quick three day trip to the mountains was a bucket of ice cold water awakening my heart to what mattered most to me. It was exhilarating. It was God confirming in my mind what I had long since known to be true in my heart. I was not living out His purpose for me in Tennessee because Tennessee was not where he called me to be. There was a reason I failed to feel “at home” despite my best efforts to dive in.   

God spoke to Bryan that weekend too. We both knew what we needed to do. What we lacked was the courage to do it. Returning to our lives in Williamson County was not the same after that trip. The glittery storefronts had lost their sparkle. My projects and commitments suddenly seemed like glorified distractions from the life I longed for six hours away. I vividly recall the moment I knew it was time to leave this picture-perfect place behind. We’d had a lovely outing enjoying one of the many family-friendly festivals in downtown Franklin.

“This has been such a wonderful day!” I exclaimed, watching the kiddos in the rear view mirror bop each on the head with their balloons.

“It has,” Bryan replied.

“We live in the most precious town.”

“We do.” 

I paused, watching a Tesla drive by. We turned into the Starbucks drive through for a late afternoon coffee break. Mercedes, Audi, and Lexus paraded through ahead of us. My mind was shouting things I wouldn’t let my words say.

“It’s perfect,” I said quietly.

“You say that a lot,” Bryan eyed me suspiciously.

We were both thinking the same thing. I knew we were. Why was it so difficult to say it aloud? Because that makes it true, my mind answered, and if we acknowledge that we are not where God wants us to be then we are left with the daunting task of changing our circumstances. And that is something that takes courage. Courage…

I frowned. “This is literally the cutest town I’ve ever seen. And we live here!”

“Uh huh,” Bryan nodded for me to continue.

“We live in a place most people dream about,” I motioned to our surroundings, “every store, every activity I could possibly put my children in, every luxury imaginable, I should love this place. I WANT to love this place,” and this was the moment of truth, the moment I’d been avoiding and dying to say all at once. “I want to love it here. But I don’t. I wish I wanted to live here, but I don’t. All I want is to move back to the mountains and raise a family and serve my community and make a difference there…that’s my home.”

“That’s OUR home,” Bryan corrected me. And it was.

That was the moment we decided to leave everything behind. In a whirlwind called the summer of 2014 we decided to sell our home in Franklin, TN, leave behind a wonderful church, fantastic neighborhood, sweet friends and countless other blessings to find what God has in store for our family in the mountains of North Carolina. It was the first move in the last seven years where the expenses were not covered by Bryan’s company. It was the first move that made no sense in so many ways and yet was more RIGHT than any other decision in recent history.

I have a peace here that I haven’t felt in a long time. Peace that I am exactly where God wants me…and leaning fully into the life He has planned for me is the best place to be.

I traded my Starbucks for a million stars. I gave up the city lights…but the lightning bugs put on quite a display. I left a life of convenience for the life I felt convicted to live. Each sacrifice has been sweetened by the simple things I have gained.   

Some say I left everything…I say I found it all.

I hope you have enjoyed the first post of my new blog, “A Handful of Rest.”

“Better a handful of rest than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind.” Ecclesiastes 4:6

Rest Well,

C